I've really been losing my patience with Emily this past week. She's become so attached to me and constantly is under my feet and whining...oh the whining. She grabs my leg and won't let go for anything, constantly wants me to hold her and what has really gotten to me is that she's been biting her sisters. Bad. Today she was very close to drawing blood on Hailey's arm...and I was right there within reach of the two of them and didn't see it coming. I was sooooo angry with Emily (when really Hailey was probably antagonizing her because that's what she does best these days). Then the kicker today that set me off was Hannah fell right before bedtime and cut her mouth - she bled forever. 3 Popsicles and a cold washcloth...still bleeding. Argh!
However; today Lucy took Hannah to the mall and I decided to take Emily & Hailey to (yes - the same) mall and met Kim there. (We left Hannah alone so she could enjoy her time with Auntie Lucy). So often when I'm out - people will say hello to me and of course I'll give the quick 'hihowareya' and keep moving. But this time - I knew the face but couldn't quite place where I knew her from. So I just kept going but a few minutes later she came up to me in one of the stores and asked me if my last name was Lucco. Hmmm...I'm thinking - stalker? No! She was my savior and angel at a time when times were so very rough when the girls had just come home from the hospital. Her name is Kathy and she was the girls home nurse that would come and weigh them twice a week. She did so much more for me than for them though. Oh if she only knew what a security blanket she was at the time!
Today though - I want you to imagine being her. She approached me...only thinking that I was who she thought I was. She couldn't be sure though...because remember - I only had 2 kids with me and the girl she was thinking of...had triplets. So we're talking and I'm telling her about the girls and then at one point she says 'oh I can't remember which one is which!' and it dawns on me that she's referring to Hailey but Hannah isn't here. So I jump in to explain how I have Emily and Hailey but Hannah is actually downstairs with a friend and doing just fine! She was genuinely happy to hear the good news and I was so happy to see her.
Which brings me to this evening after the girls went to bed. Lucy, Bryon and Alex were still here and we were talking about today and I was telling them how I ran into Kathy at the mall. Lucy says (which I hear soooo often from people) "OMG remember how little they were?" And the answer is yes. I will never ever forget - I'm crying just typing this...how could I forget running to the NICU every night at 5:00 for weigh in just to see if my babies...any of them...had gained even 1/2 an ounce. Hailey at only 2lbs and literally transparent. Ugh...I won't ever get those memories out of my head. And I know that's the way it should be. Because times like this week - those memories are what's going to bring me back to reality and make me realize that I shouldn't be upset that Emily is clingy and wants me to hold her all the time. I need to remember that I'm damn lucky to even have her to hold.
One night I walked into the NICU and saw Hailey laying in her little incubator with her tiny sunglasses on (ok...not really sunglasses but come on - they were cute!) and the nurse told me they were going to try to take her IV out of her belly button and see if they could find one in her arm in the next day. They were hesitant because they weren't sure they could get an IV in her arm successfully but she still needed one. And the one in her bellybutton had already been there longer than it was suppose to be. That night I prayed to God to make sure that it wasn't painful for her. I prayed for Him to find a way to give me the pain instead of her (when you're in a situation like this...you get desperate and you do things that are irrational...even praying for something like this). His answer? Yes - He would give me the pain...He reminded me that my pain came in the form of memories. Her pain - she would never remember. It was physical and she would have no memory of this. But my memories would last forever - and that is the kind of pain that never goes away. I won't ever forget how tiny they were, how much it hurt them to be born so early and what they went through. And I thank God that they won't have any memory of that pain themselves.